Posted on February 17, 2013 - Feeling French
What makes me think today, even now, in this very precise moment, is Jimmy. I’m just right next to him on the couch, we just got up and are getting the ‘petit déjeuner’ (breakfast). As usual the morning the TV is on, my thoughts are all over and there is not much of a communication going on. We have this moment that I admire. A moment of being right next to each other without speaking.
Well as I was admiring, he picked up his phone and called someone. Thomas.. Thomas somebody. Doesn’t really matter. Well he is on the phone 45 minutes now. He laughs, he has passion, he talks just as I want him to talk with me. But nope. He speaks with Thomas. I know that it is jealousy, but not in the way ‘I’m jealous, because I think he may want to fuck him’. I’m jealous that Thomas is getting the passionate guy I’m in love with and I am getting the guy who has back pain, who doesn’t laugh so much, who is reserved.
Makes me thing that this is a problem I always had with boyfriends. When I am with somebody, after a certain amount of time together he becomes the center of my days. I don’t leave my life, my world, but he is the biggest part of it. And I don’t want him to leave his, I just want to make part of his life, to know that I am important, but.. well maybe other people understand relationships differently?
Is this ‘problem’ my problem or is it something normal and I just haven’t yet met the right guy, who is not ‘problematic’?
I can’t help at wander is this going to change some day or do I have to change my expectations? Can we really understand someone else who is so different from us, even if we admire him so much and desperately try to understand?
I don’t know. Maybe people like me are just naive and dreamers. Maybe no one is really ready to open his world for the other one or maybe it just takes more time that I want it to. So many questions, right?
I feel really lost in my questions. And I can’t help it. I know it very well.. I ask myself too many questions. But how to understand everything if we don’t ask? Isn’t it what they teach us at school?! ‘If you don’t understand something, do not hesitate and ask’, my teachers used to say.
And right away I ask myself another question: Do I need to understand everything? All the ‘balanced philosophies in the world tell to feel thing and not try to define them. Well, I guess I am far away from balance.. But that’s where I’m heading!